This isn’t a post about food.
Admittedly it is featured on a food blog so there should reasonably be a food story in here somewhere but there isn’t. Part of launching Brown Sugar and Bourbon wasn’t simply to explore food and its ability to both build and bridge communities, but also to pull back the curtain on vulnerability; As a way, I suppose to become more comfortable with exploring my own.
It is so important to me that people not feel alone. I think one of the hardest things in the world when you feel like the universe is kicking your ass, is also feeling alone. Like you’re the only one going through what you’re going through. The isolation makes it worse.
So I’d like to try being vulnerable here, with you.
I’ve had a shit year. A SHIT.FUCKING.YEAR.
It kicked off well enough. I got to bring in the new year with Shep (my nauseatingly wonderful and patient partner). A few weeks later my best friends met me in Napa to celebrate my 30th birthday.
It’s been a pure dumpster fire since then. In 2017:
1. I got into a major fight with my father which caused a shift not only in our relationship, but my family in general.
2. I moved out of my parents’ home before I was financially ready and without an actual full-time job to Atlanta to share a home with a man I’d been dating less than a year (thank God at least that’s working out).
3. I had a falling out with two of my oldest friends from college…at totally separate times, over completely separate things. One of which I’m still not on good terms with.
4. Despite everything I’ve accomplished professionally, I remain underemployed and broke af. Like the brokest I’ve ever been. Like I borrow money from my little sister once a week BROKE.
5. I leased my first car without my father’s help in April of 2017. On November 10th while driving to work listening to trap music, a man ran a red light and collided with my car in the intersection. His car spun and hit another car which was waiting for the light to turn green. Because it’s my life and God apparently has a sense of humor, the man who ran the red light ran away from the scene and the car was reported stolen (insert me manically laughing). He’s still at large, by the way.
6. That same day, whilst in the hospital getting a CT scan (I had a concussion) my beloved, sweet, darling boyfriend Shep accidentally threw away 3 carats worth of my diamond earrings. They’d been both birthday and graduation gifts given to me by my parents in my 20s.
7. Did I mention I was broke? Oh good cause since my car has been totaled I had to get a new one. Guess what that cost me? Oh, just $2,000 I don’t have.
So when I tell you I’m having a year…believe me. Everyone keeps telling me what I’m sure you’ve heard in your tough times as well; “It gets better” or “It’s always darkest before the dawn” or “Don’t worry, it will all work out.” But does it? There is no rule that says your life has to work out.
I wish instead of people telling me the pendulum will swing back in my favor, they would just hear me. I wish that when I told people I was about to lose my mind they wouldn’t tell me how strong they think I am.
I am strong. I am also at my wits end. Both things can be true.
So what’s my point in writing this here? On this blog that’s supposed to mostly be about fun stuff? Well, one it makes me feel better to get this out. It’s therapeutic to tell you all how much of a shitshow my life has been as of late.
Also, I just want anyone else who reads this to know that I may not look like what I’m going through (what can I say? It’s a gift!) but I’m riding that struggle bus right along with you. I’m not going to tell you it will get better or that you are strong enough to handle it, because I don’t honestly know if that true.
What I will tell you is that you’re not alone. That life is beating me up too and that I hope that makes you feel…better some how.